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Send in the trolls…. Oh where are the trolls…. (With apologies to Stephen Sondheim)
Our Miley Cyrus SQL Server Hadoop article got trolled on Twitter today. And we thought ‘yes! Finally! A troll.’ Then it turned out he had no Twitter readership.
We admit there was a problem with the article. We didn’t list the fact that some people think Miley Cyrus and using SQL Server together with Hadoop are both somewhat messed up. Mea culpa. (Also, we did not come down nearly hard enough on Microsoft. The article goes on endlessly with its tepid praise for SQL Server. If you can’t afford Oracle and need an top-of-line SQL solution it is actually quite a cost effective solution. If you can afford the risk of running Windows, that is. Mainly we attack MySQL. We thought that we’d at least get some MySQL fans trolling us. No, some random Microsoft type apparently thought their honor had been grievously offended with our insufficient praise of Redmond.)
Where are all the trolls on the Internet? We have done our best to tick people off in this blog. We skewered Google Glass. We did not have kind words for IBM Watson’s marketing department. We’ve even poked fun at Facebook’s drones. We’ve posted environmentally-friendly articles as well an article that suggested fracking might be a good idea because … get this, it might cause earthquakes. We know people read this blog. But, in some cases, we even tweeted at companies and other interested parties to make sure they read the relevant article! Nary a troll to be found. WTH.
What has happened to the Internet? Where have all the Internet’s legendary manipulative psychopaths of scientific lore gone? The ‘dark triad’ of personality traits deplored by psychologists? The fabled negative energy beings, those mythical lost souls of cyberspace?
Then suddenly when we write something about Microsoft, suggesting people maybe consider SQL Server (but pointing out all the other options) and we get this one small lousy troll. While we’re very grateful to this person to finally give some appearance of controversy on this blog (it’s not as though we haven’t been trying) we would really appreciate a much bigger troll. It’s extremely frustrating to write a blog and not have a significant troll following. Everyone’s got a dream. Ours is to be attacked by giant Internet trolls.
So, if you have a large Twitter following or large blog readership, please troll us. Find some excuse. We don’t care. We have sought feedback in the past from our audience, and have gotten nothing but the kindest words. (Have you read our app reviews?) People won’t take us seriously unless we have vociferous enemies.
‘Authorities’ think Internet trolls may be visitors from another dimension?
We have searched high and low for Internet trolls, psychic vampires, and the other fabled negative energy creatures said to inhabit the dark recesses cyberspace. Where do these negative energy beings come from? We attempted to some research on the subject to learn more. Trekkies will remember an old episode on the subject, which we suspect is the concept’s original inspiration. However, some ‘non-fiction’ TV documentaries and scary books (!) like A Knowing: Living with Psychic Children by Christina A. Pierson (click here) say these and similar creatures really exist, and are visitors from another dimension, growing stronger by feeding off our negative energy. (In addition to making their authors money, these scary ‘resources’ do provide ‘helpful’ ‘how-to’ suggestions on spirituality and positive thinking to keep these nasty cyberspace creatures away and back in their original dimension. Some even include illustrations on what these beings might look like to some ‘psychics.’
The Pierson book has drawings of negative energy beings parasitically infecting a home host using a remote control cord. (Ah, at last … answers to our search for so-called “expert” “research” on what Internet trolls are. Internet trolls are actually … wait for it … beings from another dimension! We knew we’d find something like this if he looked hard enough.) But are the monsters under the bed these ‘psychic’ children “see” real, or are they merely result of too much sugar in today’s soft drinks hyperactively influencing a gifted imagination? What would Carl Sagan say in his classic The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark (click here)? Anyway, not our cup of tea. At least not before Halloween. Someday, science will discover the inter-dimensional origin of Internet trolls. Until then, we are lighting scented candles and emitting positive vibes into cyberspace.)
Although we haven’t yet managed to snag a really big troll, this is not, incidentally, to say we haven’t succeeded in ticking people off. (Hopefully, we’ve just ticked off some psychics.) It’s just the people we’ve ticked off have decided to go about things in a sneaky way. Apparently, there are some people in very polluted or very polluting countries in Eurasia (or who pretend they’re in Eurasia) who don’t like what we’re saying, even though we aren’t writing in their language … yet. Do they troll us? Denounce us from their pulpits? No. But they do leave evidence of their actions. Apparently, the blog is mightier than the cyberwarfare attack script, at least for the moment. (The recent news about the cyberwarfare indictments does not surprise us that much.) This is a developing story that we’ll leave for a future blog posting. Or Halloween, too. (Sending even more positive vibes into cyberspace now.)
So where have all the Internet trolls gone? If you’re a big troll with a following, surely, you must be able to find something on this blog that offends you. Please write about it to your vast readership. We’re begging you.
Oh where are the trolls? There aren’t any trolls. Oh … they’re already here.
- Tagged: alien, aliens, artist, blog, book, carlsagan, cosmos, creature, cyberspace, demon, documentary, emotions, et, extraterrestrial, fantasy, fiction, fracking, humor, internet, monsterenergy, monsters, more, myth, old, psychic, Sagan, science, sondheim, song, story, supernatural, troll, trollface, trolling, trolls
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